I hate falling down, taking a pause or having an enforced break. My brain and body have been hard wired to constantly push on, get back up, get on with it. I’ve repeated this pattern throughout my life and most certainly the past decade or more. Perhaps I’ve thought if I fall I won’t readily be able to scramble to my feet and get back up, or perhaps falling means acknowledging my vulnerability that my physical frame and projected character want to shield from the world. I hate feeling vulnerable,perhaps no more than anyone else. Memories of displaying vulnerability have left me with negative impressions, something I need to let go.
So, this is a new phase for me. Exploring vulnerability, if Brene Brown can, I can. I’m taking a pause from the situations that are whipping my body and brain into a stress frenzy, and sampling all the holistic ways I can to reprogram my way of thinking Perhaps all those years of pushing myself on, putting on a brave smiling face and being matter of fact have caught up with me. That I’m cornered and have to let the painful crap I’ve concealed for so long out .I’ve read some interesting articles about delaying grieving process, and it’s detrimental effects.And so I’m immersing myself in this programme, and hoping that the sticky, exhausting fog of low moods and anxiety will shift.
Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” Eckhart Tolle