All you’ve got 2 do is express yourself….

On my kitchen worktop is a self assessment on congruence, from my son’s latest psychology lesson. How I love that word. Congruence – Agreement or harmony; compatibility. (Noun)

Me and my dementia husband, used to talk a lot about congruence a good 8 years or so ago. He was going through some personal challenges and it was very pertinent to us both. I was this fireball then, approaching the peak of my career, about to embark on a new promotion, full of ambition and drive. I felt congruent back then, that I was being truly authentic, although a lecturer at the time said we can never be truly congruent.

Sometimes I feel I have this heat seeking self destruct missile that I activate periodically when things are going too smoothly, or I feel too happy. October seemingly has been blast off. I’d say that perhaps this stems from poor decision making, poor expression, not communicating my needs effectively,  stifling feelings and going against my gut feelings. Whatever combination of errors I do need to work on this. As I am fed up of reacting impulsively, saying things that are destructive, calming down and apologising several days later. I’m tired of my own childish behaviour. I don’t behave this way at work – thankfully.

In truth I need to address my own wants, needs, desires and boundaries. For when I waver and go back on my own word, then you can tell this won’t be the end of it. I remember in a 360 degree appraisal undertaken at work years and years ago one of my deputies said ‘I wasn’t good for my word’. That personally stung and has stuck. Sometimes I’m clearly not good for my word, and usually it’s because I have overcommitted too much or was undecided in the first place and didn’t say no outright. I need to learn to not be so reactive, sleep on things, say I’ll get back to you, so my overly enthusiastic nature doesn’t over commit and I disappoint people.

In the past few months I’ve gone back on my word within a ‘relationship’ on about four occasions, to the point now where its probably predictable I’ll react in a certain way, calm down and a few days later apologise. How would I feel it someone behaved that way with me ? I’d hate it !! I also haven’t been able to stop myself from behaving this way, repeating this negative cycle over and over.  Self sabotage anyone ? Just when did I turn into this volatile creature, perhaps I preferred my emotionally unavailable version of me.

The triggers ? Uncertainty and fear. Guess this guy has dragged me kicking and screaming out the emotionally unavailable zone into the feeling zone. That in itself has felt frightening, vulnerability is a shit. Perhaps the only thing I am predictable about is my unpredictability.

It’s not uncommon to have wobbles is it ? I’ve wobbled about moving too fast, being uncertain that the situation was real, and that I could trust what he was offering me. Trust issues, eh Drake ? In fairness to myself here, and I need to be. What he was offering was compromising what I wanted. Hence my use of congruence. Clearly if you don’t feel congruent you have waves of insecurity, waves of indecision and teeter back and forward on your moral compass point. This makes you appear insecure and needy, and kicks your self worth and esteem below the belt.

Why are having feelings so difficult to manage ? It’s like walking around with a weapon of mass destruction, so much responsibility and so much danger. Yet we want to have feelings for someone, being disconnected although simpler obviously has less benefits. Feelings – well surges of oxytocin lead to use making wrong decisions (ok not always) and doodling a person’s name into our notebook during boring meetings.

I’ve realised that my emotional development is stunted, my bad behaviours displayed in relationship need improving.

At lunch my relationship guru,  shook his head at my behaviour. I knew I was wrong, and my explanations sounded pitiful even to me. Calling myself passionate just made me sound a dating handful, hard work and who needs that ?  I said what now ? He said that’s done now, leave it alone …maybe you need some time out now (on the naughty step) to compose yourself . So here I am ….typing, as it’s always the best way I can express myself and lol…no one reads this but me.

I’ve work to do on myself, expressing myself, being authentic and congruent. I need to stop these childish out dated behaviours and grow up, it’s not cute at 17 or decades later. There have been great guys I’ve shot down before even giving them a chance over the years from my own fear, maybe I am fearful of being really loved. Maybe that if I give someone a chance all this shit behaviour emerges and who wants to put up with this ? I wouldn’t . Maybe I’m fearful of revealing the parts of me that I don’t like, the needy, the greedy and the down right unacceptable. Only relationships will reveal these, there isn’t a simulator!  So if I want to be loved and able to love someone else I need to change. My dating guru is right….time out to reflect, grow and learn.




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