Crazy insane, got no brain ….

So in life there are those that sit still and contemplate their actions and there are others that run into the room like Leeerrrrrooooy Jenkins and Carpe the f*cking Diem out of every situation. No prizes for guessing which I am.

I’m restless…it’s an internal insistent and persistent feeling. I’m bouncing around ways, and my brain is over thinking or over dreaming when asleep. I’ve filled my available time with activities, sought out new adrenaline challenges to train towards and booked future events, and it’s still there. This feeling that I could do more, that I want more perhaps ? It’s mischievous and normally trouble. There isn’t a looming full moon so I’m not entirely sure what has caused this flare up, could be excessive consumption of caffeine. Or it could be largely due to the unexpected reality slap a few weeks back now. But it’s got me feeling so full of energy I don’t really know how to direct it

I’ve always thought I’ve had adult ADHD, as a kid I was described as hyperactive and didn’t sleep for years. Yeah my parents loved me for that. I was born in a hurry too, a few weeks premature with a ‘come at me bro’ entrance. As an adult I’m always described as having ‘so much energy’ or ‘you never stop’. I would protest that since cancer I’ve been slower, but actually that’s absolutely untrue and if anything 4 years on my old character is dominating, perhaps enhanced and I’ve unfinished business I’m trying to complete and kazillion new projects.

There are lots of benefits to excess energy, never write that on a dating profile however as that has guys imagining you in a non stop sexual frenzy and not as an endurance athlete. You can see it in their faces too, oh so you have lots of energy, hmmmm……smiles spread across their faces as eyes glaze over. Can you keep up though ??? I am super grateful for my abundance of physical and mental energy and am aware it isn’t limitless. That perhaps you can use it up too quickly early in life and spend the latter years with none unable to do anything. I was in a case review earlier and that was how a person was described, now in her late 80’s exhausted by life, and constantly fatigued. She’d been a whirlwind when younger too, seemingly unstoppable, but age is an anchor that weighs you down and slows your progress. Age …or how you feel about your age ? A 96-year-old was out dancing everyone at an event the other week. I looked at her as a kindred spirit, and yet there are people I know unable to motivate their backsides out of bed living a sedentary life not even at 30. Wasting precious time they could be making memories for when you can’t move. Move when you can !!

My strange and warpy head has never permitted me to believe that I’ll have a long life. Both my parents died at 67, so I think unconsciously both my sister and I have that date in our minds. But life is unpredictable and it will last as long as it’s meant. Perhaps my sense of urgency and energy comes from that, or from the cancer kick up the arse….or maybe I was just ‘born with it’.

Anyway, there is changes ahead, and I feel excited by the new opportunities. You honestly never know what is ahead. Queuing for Zumba tonight I got chatting to this chick, you never know who you’ll meet and what adventures you’ll have or lessons you’ll learn from meeting new people. A good friend reminded me recently everything happens for a reason, I agree, not always the reason we initially think, or attach to it either. Sometimes the real reason becomes clear sometimes later in reflection.

Lastly, another super amazing friend (as I am fortunate to have them)  shared this with me tonight, ‘Don’t let your past cheat your future.’ Bit like the anchor I mentioned earlier, yet I see this a parachute, when you’ve plummeted to the ground and are still attached to your parachute (past) unless you slip out of it you can be caught in a sudden side wind and it drags you backwards with it. There’s nothing good in anything that goes backwards, in fact for me travelling backwards has me reaching for a sick bag….

Let’s keep moving on….

 

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