The lost post…..25.08.13 The famaliar feeling of unsettledness

It’s been a long week, who am I kidding it’s been a non stop long week. Last week was my first weekend in London in a month and was spent dashing around, catching up and visiting a good friend who was reaching the end of her life. There is nothing like death to remind you that you should be living & appreciating life. I’ve felt every comprehensible emotion this last week, guilt being a primary one. I’ve felt guilty for being busy and my life continuing as hers waned. Guilt is an emotion I have a lot of experience of and with.

Sitting in the calm of the hospice reminded me of my mum’s demise, the lingering time, laboured breaths, the hanging in the balance, the slow wheezing of the inflating mattress, the limbo, the wanting it to be over but not wanting it to be over. The hushed voices and whispers, broken up by the gossip and laughter, that in semi consciousness you are no longer part off. Death the club that no one wants to join. This evening I’ve learnt of her sad passing, her battle with the disease is over and she is at peace.  And so I have lost another friend to breast cancer and I can only learn from her example and continue to keep living, making adjustments, living as fully as I possibly can. Don’t count the days, make the days count.

I’ve a new emotion to add to the huge spectrum I’ve felt all week, and the uneasy I’ve felt all day. All day there has been a fog over me, a tiredness or numbness, an indescribable feeling, perhaps this is why.

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