To everything, turn, turn, turn….There is a season

So, there is change afoot, ahead and right here, right now.

In all areas and aspects of my life too. I feel the need to change things, exit bad behaviours, cut off draining relationships. Do more for me, and not feel guilty about it. I’ve never been selfish, far from it, but right now I feel the need for self preservation, and know that some of the decisions I am making will offend others. #fallout

Maybe a life changing operation sends ripples into every hemisphere of your life. I’m healing, my wounds healing, my strength returning and with it my desire to change and improve my life. Almost like my mind and body is craving it. Almost 6 weeks post surgery and I’m sorting out my life time addiction to all things sweet and bad for me – lol – including guys !! I’ve become one of those post my clean food on Instagram and carry my flavoured water, smoothie, salad and nuts to work proudly. I sneer at the biscuits in the office tempting me. Groans. I ignore the packets of white sugar leaping out of the tea cupboard in the communal kitchen. It’s early days and I’ve been tempted but Not Today Satan. Why didn’t I do this 4 years ago ? I just wasn’t in the right place. Even tonight I’ve had a hard job not running over to the late night shop for a chocolate bar.

Sometimes as I feel happy about my repairing body, I am afraid of twinges in other places, like my head. I am so aware of how lucky I have been, and that approaching 4 years is damn amazing. We’ve come along way. The paralysing immediate thoughts of recurrence are buried a little further away in my memory and thought stores. Occasionally they flip up, almost to stop me ever thinking about being complacent or air punching to celebrate my surgery. They aren’t logical, but neither is love. I don’t think they will ever go. That sense of urgency to live and not waste time is my pacemaker.

Friendships….interesting. We all know there are X amount of people that we can cope with in our lives as humans. One of my friends equated this to being a conveyor belt, people fall off the end. Brutal reality, I pondered where I was on that conveyor belt after that discussion, imaging myself running against it trying to stay on. He’s right though. Damn it . I’ve felt like this before, unsettled and some ‘friends’ are not going to make the cut. Are they really friends, or more acquaintances, colleagues, strangers ? I had a Facebook cull a few weeks back, and am in fact reducing lots of my images and posts as don’t feel I want them there any more.

You know when you can’t see the bonds, the similarities, the reasons you were friends ? They’ve past their sell by dates. Ghosting is the new way to exit friendships isn’t it ? You just stop trying to arrange mutually convenient times in busy schedules to catch up. Take longer to reply or not reply at all. That sounds cold, and cowardly. I don’t fancy having it’s not you it’s me conversations with some people though. I sound awful writing this, but I can’t keep being a sounding board to some, the friendships have lost direction and balance and I’m more counsellor than friend – without the income.

I created a Vision Board, to manifest my positive intentions. Tried to incorporate all aspects of my life, cramming it all into the board. Travel features highly and frequently. A new career opportunity with regular financial income. New hobbies. Relationships. That was tricky ….I’ve been all about abundance this year, and health is my greatest wealth, so nourishing myself is essential. Resting and relaxing in equal measure to exercise. Trying to achieve a sense of balance. Nights in, nights out, saying yes to opportunities and no to things that don’t benefit me. Like unavailable guys asking me out. Let’s not waste precious time here.

4 years ago, I considered my diagnosis a second chance in life. I’ve mostly lived by that. I’ve come off my path to return to bad habits on occasions, I am human and not flawless. I’ve a few things that required harder work to crack…..

  1. Work addiction, well it seems I had to retread old behaviours and battering my body to escape that. I’m always the person that will overcommit to projects but at least I’ve lost the 60 plus hour weeks for now and the salary sadly !

2) Sugar – yeah read above I’m working on that.

3) Love – hmm, not so easy. Valentine’s weekend spelt that out clearly that this was a pattern I easily repeat. Like a chubby hamster in a wheel I’ve been round and round with HB (heart breaker) a good few times. I’ve been doing ok too, had a few wobbles when he upped his charm offensive to see if I’ll return to play by his rules and I nearly did too, until I reminded myself of the things he said – NO HEART TIES remember ? Nothing will change, no matter how persistent that little voice in my head is. Ego nil….Vulnerability 1 . I hate feeling vulnerable.

So, I am proud of how far I’ve come, and I’ve learnt to really enjoy the moment without fretting about what lies ahead. I’m sometimes lost in nostalgia. Like the people I support diagnosed with dementia, familiar feels good to us all. Yet lately I feel like trying so many new things, taking some risks, new dishes, new places, new hobbies, new thoughts – how excited is that ? I’ve a huge appetite for new !!  I’ve plenty of time to sit and reminiscence, so let’s get cracking with some new material to reminiscence over. My mum would say, ‘you are a long time dead.’ I’d say let’s do this !!!

Here’s to positive changes, I’ll keep you posted 🙂

 

 

 

 

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