Last week was turbulent, like a bumpy flight I dipped and soared with a range of emotions, oxygen masks popped down once or twice and a few sick bags. The pre valentine’s break up left me teetering till I found my balance, pre op nerves, a young woman from the BC Community unexpectedly dying and your average and work tension!
Mid week I chased the hospital to discover, with 9 days to go I wasn’t even booked in, there was an admin problem. Cue heated discussions and massive amounts of tension, building yourself up for surgery suddenly replaced with potential disappointment of it not proceeding. Happily it was resolved without staging a sit in, a hostage situation or any other form of protest and I attended a pre op assessment on Friday. Booking form and bloods in my hand we are good to go…. And breatheeeeee
On Friday I spent the day in a spa, soaking up the bubbles and steam, enjoying the ambient environment for the last time for a couple of months. Lounging in the jacuzzi, giggling over tales was the perfect pre surgery treat. Later that night I went out to dance the night away with friends and work muscles that I’ve neglected with my gym membership. Cracking night of laughs, dances and very friendly crowd, came home feeling life is good. 🙂
On Sunday with an underlying cold and aching body from dancing, rain and grey weather the wobbles popped up again, this time the urgency to tell people my passwords should I succumb to GA and pop my clogs. Bloody hell. A reassuring slap from my sister helped, saying if you are going to tell me where your will is you can f*ck off. No I replied, just burn my diaries if anything happens. She laughs hysterically and says forget that, I want your intellectual rights so I can publish them. Worries over !! The crazy and ridiculous humour works for me, whenever the cloak of vulnerability emerges and I crave the hugs and reassurances that don’t appear and instead the bad humour appears and stops it dead.
Growing up I was told don’t cry, don’t make a fuss, don’t upset anyone and years later I’ve grown into a pants over tights independent soul. Sometimes my inner 8 year old (short course in psychotherapy the other year taught me this) pops up and thinks I need someone to hug me close and say it’ll be ok, but in reality if I had it I wouldn’t know what to do and would probably push them away. My tried and tested coping strategies when vulnerability arises, push people away by being harder – I am trying to stop this, and instead let my vulnerability show itself and ask for help a bit.Secondly humour very dark and inappropriate humour. That can stay !
Prolonged single living has benefits, you are incredibly independent, resilient and cope with everything thrown at you. It also has you thinking can I ever make room for someone else ? I’d like to, so perhaps showing my vulnerability is the way forward.
I feel 100% stronger than my last blog on 14th ….I feel loved, loving and lovable. The ones that love me wholeheartedly do so, ain’t no body go time for fakes or half steppers. I feel grateful for the clear out and grateful that my pre op nerves forced a situation to reveal the truth, we can convince ourselves that situations are different, but actions will always speak louder than words. I feel free, strong and focused. I know I’ve a fulfilling and exciting year ahead with a new boob or not.
Tonight we’ve discussed doing Moonwalk in Edinburgh in June – wouldn’t it be great to wear a bra with out a gap !! We are guest speakers at a Cancer Conference in July for Annabel’s Angels. There are weekends away planned in various destinations across Europe to visit friends. Tickets for raves purchased. I feel blessed to be surrounded by inspiring and encouraging friends and excited by who we may meet in the process. See life never flows backwards and stagnancy is never good. Just keep swimming…..
Life is good. It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.