Love & other drugs

Love, love, love. All we need is love.

But it’s so complicated and manifests in so many ways. This week has presented some unexpected highs and lows.

A friend told me the other day they were having relationship difficulties, she was considering leaving and things weren’t working out between them. I listened and considered. I’ve been there, my marriage ended, things do. I wanted to share from my experience what could help her to make a more considered decision rather than pursue another option that seems a great distraction from her current situation.

‘ So life throws things in our way and sometimes we drift apart and forget the reasons why we fell in love with the person we are with. Sometimes we do change, and evolve in different ways, and different directions along the way. Sometimes people aren’t who we imagined they’d be.

Thing is though, when you are feeling confused or unhappy other people can seem like a bright and brilliant light leading you out of a dark place. They laugh at your jokes, look at you with interest, and relight  your lost energy. They can influence your decision making, and make you believe that there is something better or more exciting than what you have. Sure, that might be true, but often it’s not better, just different.

Before you make any rash decisions, pause. Take a good look at your situation. Invest time and energy in your current relationship. Date each other again, make time to reconnect to what drew you together in the first place. You’ve nothing to lose for trying. Talk to each other and really listen. Most of us don’t clearly communicate – it needs to be face to face and uninterrupted.

If this doesn’t restart your feelings and you realise that you both have just run your course at least you have tried. Wholeheartedly tried and can make decisions sensibly together to do what you need to do. ‘

Funny thing is, reading this back seems extremely relevant to me too actually.It’s easy to give advice and not live by it, even if you’ve learnt by experience. I’ve been in love with a guy for 8 years, who has and always will see me as an option.Wow, I’ve written that out loud. On reflection I’ve clearly misinterpreted his words and actions as I’ve wanted it so badly. I’ve ignored the obvious red flags and persevered regardless. Have I become the ‘I can be the one to change him girl ?’ Or the I’m so great, maybe one day he will recognise it….desperate huh?

I’m sure his written interpretation of it would greatly  differ, it’d be who ? Oh yeah, she’s fun but just not the one. We’re friends, always have been, always will be.

A friend will last longer than a relationship in many ways. It’s less demanding. I discussed this with him this weekend, challenged the notion of relationship standards and rules. If we are such good friends, why would a relationship between us be any different ? Let’s face it we are in one, albeit an open one. He disagreed. You know when you say something and actually catch yourself and think, ‘Fuck I am trying to convince this guy I’m a catch and arguing a case to be with me.’

It sucks to be told by someone you love, that they don’t have the heart tie to you. That a loving relationship is never on the cards. I hate rejection. Driving home from a romantic night where you’d been lost in passion, limbs entwined and spent the most time laughing, having this discussion speeding on the motorway home was a bad move.

And so arriving home, the smile on my face was removed by a text saying, ‘It was interesting to talk, and I listened to what you said, and I honestly don’t think I can give you that’ Ouchhhhhhhhh. Give me what exactly ? What did I ask for ?  I reviewed over and over what I said, what did I say to receive that ? Over-thinking can be a tortuous  death, and my mind is ridiculous in that mode, is it me ? Me ? Me ? I sound neurotic here. It’s amazing how feelings can have you jealous or crazy. Queen Bey knows this !! I’d said let’s be honest here, I love what we have, and the time we spend together, I don’t want to be with anyone but you, no one compares  But life is precious I can’t afford to waste time. I don’t want for you to turn around and tell me you’ve met someone else and fallen in love while I’m here in front of your face waiting’.

Guess you could say I was honest (crazy) maybe frustrated but what I said I meant and you can say his reply was honest, perhaps the only honest thing in the whole mess. Maybe I’ve only seen and heard what I wanted to. I thanked him for his reply and said let’s keep moving forward – without the benefits, and the blinkers on my part that restrict me from loving anyone else. Life moves on, it does, and I need to firmly, and finally leave this behind me. As this addiction has come and gone repeatedly over the past years. What started initially as dating, derailed into this situation where I’ve become a fall-back girl, the one where he returns when he needs an ego boost, and excitement. I’m being harsh I’ve no doubt but my actions don’t sound like I love and value myself as much as I do him. How can one person can blind side you and sway your decision making ? Love and lust are irrational. So is good D.

So, me with all the wise words to others needs to heed these myself, I have whole heartedly tried, I have been honest about what I feel and that isn’t what he wants. His reaction isn’t what I want. So that is it. Life has a funny way of reminding you, and I had prior to cancer tried to exit this situation as knew then it wasn’t working out for me. Timehop posted this to remind me…..4 years ago.

‘Happy Valentine’s Day. Rules for the day, If you love someone say it, if you don’t set them free. If you are in a relationship appreciate your partner and why you are with them. if you are single , appreciate it and know your worth. Extend this rule to every day of the year without the need to buy a ton of crap just because, simples… Oh and be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it. ‘

It’s cool, this is just a chapter in a book, a chapter that got me back on my feet post cancer and the one I felt relaxed enough with after a 3 year dating drought – thanks cancer. But additionally with my post cancer sense of self and feelings of urgency it’s not dragged on like before. This whirlwind chapter started in November and has finished now.  3 months of fun. No real harm done !! Now, let’s work on me and after that, let’s give someone truly available a chance ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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