Highs and Lows

April 16th….appointment with oncology to discuss results. The anxiety that these could mean a return to treatment rises uncomfortably in my body, and I push it away with distractions of work and other time filling occupation. It’s a seemingly long week leading up to this appointment, and when the day comes, I leave at the last minute, as if avoiding any potential bad news for as long as possible.

1st good indicator, my oncologist passed me to another doctor, she’d never delegate bad news. I chatter away to the nurse, whilst waiting for the new doctor to appear and examine me. He appears, with a smile….another good sign, and immediately says, I’ve good news. I feel this surge of excitement, of happiness and relief flooding over me before he even completes his sentence. Good news, it’s music to my ears. Almost 2 years after the fateful words, It’s not good news, this time there is not just good news but great news, my MRI is clear, there is no evidence of disease, my brain is clear. 

I put aside my fears, and anxieties, albeit temporarily and run out of the hospital. Promising myself to not waste any more precious time on trivial matters, worries or sat watching the world go by. Carpe Diem – Seize the day. Nothing is guaranteed, and everything is temporary, so take this moment and run with it. Refocus, prioritise and re-evaluate.

After a wonderful weekend with family, feeling the sand between my toes, icy sea splashing my calves and wind blowing though my growing hair, I ate my body weight in cakes and drowned in tea. Replenished and ready for the return to reality, on the southbound train I returned to the sad news another dear friend had lost her battle to cancer. 

My friend was more than inspiring, she was like an 1000 watt bulb, illuminating London, I’ve never met anyone with such boundless energy and appetite for life. She never lost faith, she always had belief that they’d find a new treatment, or cure, that they’d be no end to her treatment. Her grandmother told her, ‘ Never let illness defeat you’ and that was most certainly the case. We met last March, and she led us into spontaneous song at a cancer pamper group, bringing women together in chorus. She formed The Sunshine’s Choir and played the Ukulele to accompany them. We made a film together, last April in Brighton, and I remembered the spooky clairvoyant that prayed for us as we passed their prayer chairs after we left the studio, and how we’d bonded sharing stories on the train.

So many people limit themselves and there was this crazy, funny, ball of energy with an incurable cancer flying all over the world, bringing joy and happiness to the hearts of anyone she met. The last thing we did together was anti gravity yoga, hanging in silken cocoons and I was aware how fragile, yet determined she was. This was only 8 weeks or so ago….how unbelievable is that. She inspired me to keep on, and not make excuses not to do things.

My friend Satori, showed me so much and has left an imprint forever. Last May we were 3 amigos, united together  and now I have 2 friends rocketing around in the sky like brilliant shooting stars watching over us. Protecting. I miss them both, their brilliance, their beauty and their wonderful friendship. I also know to live and continue in their memory, to create more memories and live, really live for as long is possible.

It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.



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