Feeling all 6’s & 7’s

The phrase, to be at 6’s and 7’s implies that you are at a loss, or in a state of ineptitude where you cannot reliably take action. Great description isn’t it ? Since my treatment ended I’ve been so restless, non committal, and as if I am searching for something, I’m not sure quite what. Actually I think I was feeling this before, and yet now, fuelled with the rational that nothing is permanent and the beliefs that some things just don’t fit anymore, I am maybe experimenting more.  It’s my nature to keep busy, collecting hobbies or activities, and keeping that to manageable limits is my task at hand. I’ve found in trying more things, I’ve also walked away from lots of things. My attention span is short, and it’s almost like I am wasting no time in letting go of things that I feel I can’t pursue, or actively enjoy. Well in one hand, in another some bad habits are trying to emerge, more of that later.

 I’m sure there are thousands of people who have felt this before me, and thousands that will have to face it. The hiatus that a cancer diagnosis brings to your life and quite how it falls back into place afterwards. I guess it’s like smashing a precious vase and super gluing it back together, there maybe slithers missing, or slight flaws, it’ll never be the same. Post cancer treatment really is unchartered territory. Whilst I’d honestly reply that on the whole, it’s sooooo last year,  I can’t be in complete denial. I have moments, where it’s forced into the forefront of my mind and I’m wobbled by health concerns, hearing of deterioration in others, and perhaps this is the aftermath to face the reality of what happened. Oh and don’t the fear that it could return . The latter definitely doesn’t spring up as much as the early days, just when you are feeling fatigued or like at the moment with a virus, perhaps a reminder of my vulnerability ? Did I tell you I hate vulnerability ?

There isn’t a guide to life, but there are blogs ! Whenever I need some reassurance, I search for women that have walked the path ahead of me, sometimes saddened to see that cancer wheeled back and snatched them away, or they are having to face a new fight. Needless to say though, there is always someone that will have gone through something you are facing, or considered it. I’ve always kept my blogs private, as  initially they were my outlet and I’d not considered anyone would find them interesting.But imagine the other women’s blogs I’ve read had felt the same, I would never have felt reassured, or been able to share their experience with others. 

I’m at a place in my recovery where some situations from my past are popping up, testing my reactions and challenging those learnt behaviours. Diet, a definite weakness, old habits die hard here, and I torment myself with inconsistency. The ‘should’ camp suggests everything green and wonderful, the bad cancer causing camp is closer reflection to my current diet, so it’s easy to start the, ‘I’m really not helping myself dialogue.’ Honestly, sometimes my head feels like a Pantomime. ‘Oh, no she didn’t ? Oh, yes she did !’

Work pressure? Toxic and damaging, how do you avoid this ? It isn’t always possible to walk away from situations or financially viable. So you have to compromise and manage stress. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I feel I have to repeat myself as still struggle to maintain them and those old excesses of the past creep up.

So, last of the deadly trio, toxic guys. Oh, yes. Now, at the beginning of my diagnosis I blogged how I hoped I had more luck in curing cancer, than the heartbreak I’d previously endured. I’m remaining hopeful the treatment is keeping me well. So, there is no way I want to lapse back to relationship toxicity. The past remains in the past. I can admit  it has rattled me, as perhaps it has pushed me out of safe hiding place of avoidance. The power of the past. Past behaviours, aka addiction lol, would mean that I would have given this guy another chance, a very obvious thought springs into my mind, if you aren’t there for me in my struggle, you don’t deserve to be with me at any other time – thanks for the reminder Marilyn.

Excelsior…. 

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