Seasons change…..

It’s been an unbelievable Summer. Like most I’ve been dizzy and high on the sunshine. Grasping my new found energy, running with it, travelling Europe and around the UK visiting family and friends. Good times. Two defiant fingers stuck up at cancer and getting back on with my life, or rather my new life. One day the sun is beaming through the trees, rustling heavy green branches, jam packed with leaves, the next the leaves are curling and turning brown, before falling from the branches in preparation for Winter. I saw a Vine about a guy running back and stapling them back on in desperation and could really relate, cue a feeling of unsettledness.

September to me is always bitter sweet, birthdays and anniversary’s pack the month. This year my eldest daughter is flying the nest, something we are both feeling apprehensive about, she was my rock, my confidante, my ally, my best friend in my cancer career break and I know she needs to move on with her life, but the very thought of the quietness in the house, stirs huge feelings of sadness and tears sting my eyes. Life is about change. We are entering a new phase, a big change to the tight family group we’ve had for the past decade, where we 3 became the magic number and we clung tightly to each other to survive turbulent times. It’s not always been easy, as a trio, we’ve overcome many difficulties and I’m incredibly proud of both my children for what they have grown through. Great foundations for what lies ahead.

Funny thing is, when your children are small and you are wrenched out of bed to watch the Disney channel at unearthly hours and dashing between after school clubs and lessons, you almost dream of having adult time, activities and tv channels. Funny how when she arrived home last night, I was watching Monsters Inc, not a small child in sight. When our children are small, we day dream of long lunches in pubs and lay ins, European breaks. Those days are arriving and yet I’m sentimentally missing the dependence, really there is no pleasing us at times.

September has long been my bogey month, back to school and back to good intentions of hobbies, homework and routine was a bribe I offered myself. I smile about fast approaching darker evenings and acceptance to stay in and watch movies, read books and weekend lay ins.  Yet, I am also wrestling with the need to exercise, to prevent the winter blues, boost my immunity and keep those pesky cancer cells at bay.

This September, feels more unsettling, a sad goodbye with Cherry’s untimely death, it shook me further to my foundations, reaffirming the importance of life. Too many young women dying too young. I feel fatigued by the topic of cancer, don’t want to read about it, be part of it, all my good intentions to make a difference at the moment cast aside as I feel I have seen and heard enough about cancer to last a lifetime. My enthusiasm to fund raise in sporting events is diminished. I’ve pulled further away from peer support too, maybe you can only be involved for a limited period, the brutal reality I don’t want to face.

Maybe it’s just too many areas unsettled at the moment. Changes at work looming with restructure, interviews, new responsibility. I feel as I am walking on unstable ground and all of the changes are not from my instigation, perhaps I’m wobbling as things feel out of my control, or out of my depth, where did I pack my life jacket ? Note to myself, be kind to myself, it’s understandable to feel wobbly, I’m not, contrary to anyone’s belief a Superhero. Even Superhero’s have a day off.  

Here’s to change…..everything is temporary.

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