I’ve been merrily plodding on lately, or more likely zooming ahead, back to my old tricks of dashing all over London and filling up my time. This is not to say I’m not enjoying it, of course I am or I wouldn’t be doing it. I’ve forgotten I’ve had cancer in my ambitious desires and then I remember that my arm is a little restricted in it’s range of motion and that numbness I experience wasn’t there before surgery.
Being busy is a good thing, I’m too busy to worry about cancer related stuff, my time is filled up with normal stuff. You know the stuff people worry about and waste time on ? Work, friends, bills, what you look like …..I’m not actively seeking out cancer, I’ve zoned out and I’ve already said I dropped out of groups, or online forums, my only connection is the friend’s I’ve met along the way oh and blogs, the occasional blogs that I ‘liked’ last year. So it did come as a huge shock or reality confrontation earlier this week to see one of the women whose blog & book I’d been inspired by had died. I felt immensely saddened and disappointed, perhaps I was deluded that after her diagnosis she could have lived happily ever but no, after reading through the guest blog, she had died peacefully earlier in the year after a recurrence had called premature time on her life, she was 28 when diagnosed and died 5 years later.
It was like popping a balloon and watching it slowly descending, after reading the blog I felt compelled to read more. Last year when diagnosed I’d stumbled across a couple of blogs by young women that had inspired me, I’d followed them and seen them overcome the treatments and speak honestly of the realities of diagnosis. They were the ones that trod the path before me and maybe my expectations of them were too high, they won’t get ill again and they won’t die – perhaps this is because if they did it would validate that could happen to me too. The thought of mortality and recurrence isn’t uncommon when diagnosed with cancer, yet personally I’ve not walked on that ground for a good while, it’s not been on my mind. All the distractions and being busy has evicted that train of thought – until I read these blogs.
So I don’t suppose this reality check alongside the reality check at work was a bad thing. Maybe I’d been caught up in all the work dramas and gathered speed alongside everyone jostling to stay afloat in the times of restructures and threatened redundancy. It shot me a reminder of how time is precious and should be spent doing things that make you happy. Of course we have to work and sometimes do things that we don’t enjoy, but so long as you find joy in everyday and gratitude you are heading in the right direction. Everything is temporary, nothing is permanent after all. Good or bad times.