Cancer Mathematics (aka the rambles of an insomniac)

I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was full of worries and anxieties, much like my over working days before diagnosis. Was it because I spoke to a colleague and the negativity of work penetrated my mind and wrapped me up in tangles of worries? Quite likely. 

Amongst all the flurried thoughts came this one and obviously it needed to be captured, if nothing but to laugh at later, when on a Mental Health Section.

Alison + Cancer = AliStrong 

Thinking on how friends remark ‘I’m not the woman I was’ I decided a mathematical breakdown might explain why …

I had 124 ‘normal’ carefree days before diagnosis last May. I’ve had 285 days so far of living with cancer. Of the 285 although with side effects or treatments, my outlook was a lot more positive, free and unburdened from the pressures of life – ironic huh ?

I had 21 breathtakingly numb, devastating and unimaginable days where my mind attempted to comprehend the news I had cancer that had ‘travelled’ from an unknown primal site, from the first day of diagnosis until they actually confirmed it was my breast and not a tumour from another part of my body.Not good days on reflection, my humour as ever was my defence mechanism here.

I then had 32 days of craziness and mad antics to live and enjoy myself as much as possible alongside worrying sick before my surgery and become a real Amazonian woman. These days make me smile but also sad that they were so brief.

57 days of recovery, acceptance, helping myself to prepare and become strong & healthy prior to starting chemo. These were mingled with mixed emotions and waiting for the specialists to decide what to do with the complications they found after my surgery (Forget NICE guidelines here for uniformed time to take chemo after surgery!!)  These days I embraced what I could and filled my time with making memories and having fun in the moment.

I had roughly 30-40 cms of hair that became 0 !! And now a more respectable 3 or 4 cms !! I’ve not measured honest.

I had 126 days of chemotherapy spreading from late August to December. Which surely means 12 of these were spent at the hospital. I’m not counting nausea, aches, chemo brain or any other side effect as don’t want to remember ! Nor home many dvds watched, times attended cinema or blogs !!

I gained a whopping 9kg on chemotherapy and have lost an incredible 7kg in the 9 weeks since it ceased. The swelling & bloating expanded my torso by 2 inches which radiotherapy has nipped back into place.

Something’s are immeasurable and irreplaceable. Those parts of me remain in my past. Something’s are new add ons and confuse people and trick them into believing I am fit and well. Something’s are temporarily gone and (I hope) will return – eyelashes please come back 

I am me …my physical changes really shouldn’t define me, but my metamorphosis does make those close to me sad. That’s part of this change and I hope that they recover from it and just see my inner glow. I’m not hanging on to my past, so neither should they.

I am more afraid of my future, than in the past. Yet I am stronger than my former self. I am more accepting than I was, but just as feisty and determined. I am more aware of my mortality and how precious life is. I am more concious and frightened of wasting time then ever before.

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I’ve lost since 3rd May 2012 but 855 hours lost sounds a good start ! (based on losing 3 hours a night)

I’ve lost touch with so called friends and gained an abundance of new ones.I have nothing but love and admiration for the new people that have joined me on my journey who are in a similar place. 

….hmmmmmm.

Here endeth my mad ramblings that kept me company in the wee hours …yes, insanity beckons, but as they say better out than in.

I’m moving forward and happy with the progress I make, my new friends have no old me to compare to which is so much easier, maybe that’s what everyone should embrace

#don’t stop me now I’m having such a good time, I’m having a ball………………

 

One thought on “Cancer Mathematics (aka the rambles of an insomniac)

  1. Hi Sassy

    It’s Rebecca from the Macmillan board. I’ve just found your blog and it’s fantastic. You put into words what so many of us are feeling. I,too, keep a count of the days since diagnosis.and a separate count since treatment began. I shall take time today to read more of your blog.

    Rebecca x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s