It’s like being on a see saw at times…yesterday I was a triumphant activist. Terrifying passers by with my positive energy and enthusiasm. My outer appearance tricked people into believing I was well, healthy and that cancer didn’t live here any more – no forwarding address !
I felt strong and positive too. Confident that my treatment is kicking ass. So what tipped the balance ? Why a trip into reality with oncology of course, where they are quick to remind you of your fragility, and remind you of your insecurities and fears. Worried it will come back ? Let me find you a statistic – please don’t. I see no purpose of looking at figures, what will be , will be.
I can’t change anything, I can’t rewind time back a few years when probably this all started and I failed to recognise the tell tale changes in my body. I definitely left it a year that I can recollect now. Guess it’s all about balance – in that year I lived life, travelled, had parties and had fun, would I change that ? I can’t even if I wanted to. I was a fool though, why did I never think to go to a GP ? Guess I have to hope that the aggressive chemical cocktails will work with me and not against me, that they are battle cats killing the cancer that poisoned my body. Fighting fire with fire !!
So now, the journey into the unknown. Isn’t it strange that undiagnosed people can offer reassurance of well none of us know what the future holds…….very true. Except us with a cancer tag can actually imagine, our worst nightmare, that it will return and in multiple places or with a gang so tough that they will ravage our body and the big guns like chemo won’t work again, or weaken us so much, kick our spirit and morale, our little internal resistance will wave a white flag. We are all, whether we say it out loud or not fearful of pain and discomfort and death. Especially a premature death.
I’m frightened too of wasting time. Ridiculous as it sounds, I worry that I have been given this second chance to make the best of life, live now, dance, run ,laugh ..do all I can until it’s denied me. Long may the good times last.
‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, ‘what will I be?’
Will I be pretty ? Will I be rich ? Here’s what she said to me…
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be , will be
The future’s not ours to see,
Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be