Did someone pull my emergency brakes ? A reminder to myself.

Gravitating forward at high speed that’s me…..always in a rush, sometimes not completing things properly before moving on ….is that me with this diagnosis ? All my life I’ve been in a rush, born prematurely, rushing through milestones, as a teenager wanting to be an adult, as an adult ambitious and driven , as a patient impatient to get back on with life!! And now – pulling the brakes ? Maybe not, over the past few weeks I’ve been picking up speed, like a huge ball of energy rolling down a hill, seemingly as my blood counts are rising, so is my enthusiasm and energy. Launching myself straight into projects – giving.

Are we naturally programmed to be givers or takers ? Does anyone get the balance truly right ? In my experience I find people that are one or the other and I guess the ideal is to be in the middle. I made an observation of myself prior to my diagnosis, I was dashing all over London, giving my time and energy to everyone, not undeservedly so, well not all the time, some people will take if they see it being offered.All areas of my life were about giving, I work with vulnerable people and have this natural instinct to help others, but at what cost ? My tank was always on empty, I made no time for me and I didn’t receive. If I was a car I would have ground to a halt as I wasn’t even topping up fuel let alone checking my brake pads !! When I was first ill a friend remarked on this, saying it’s good to receive too you know.

So here I am reflecting on my past and reminding myself that there is no harm in giving, provided I am giving to myself in return. I will never be a person that will take from others, I’ve even found it difficult at times in this illness to ask for help, if someone has freely given like I do, then I’ve gratefully received. So it’s all about balance once again. I promised myself I would not spread myself to thinly again and I guess that’s why I’m sat here writing, as my tempo has increased it’s kicked in a warning to remind myself to pace myself. Eat, pray, love ….

I learnt from this diagnosis the most precious things in life are loved ones, time and good health. It’s a bit chicken and egg, for without health you cannot enjoy many things in life and we take for granted our health, our ability to get out of bed in the morning and dash about, why we even need our health to help others. Health is a very precious and you only really appreciate it when it is challenged or compromised. I hope never to make that mistake again and instead invest in my health, nurture myself and stop running about on an empty tank (as was my former behaviour)

They say bad habits are hard to break and new ones require time. I wouldn’t say giving is a bad habit as such but too much of anything can be a bad thing. I need to install new habits and keep working on boundaries and testing my brakes like this episode.After all a huge ball of energy running down a hill gathering speed can cause a major tragedy !!


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