Dear Diary it’s been 6 weeks since my last chemo …..
Can you believe it ??
Well half the population will have quit their new year’s resolutions by now and the gym’s will be greedily rubbing their hands at the money for nothing for people not making it back to the gym….BUT not me !!
I’m all ready to start radiotherapy next week and can’t believe that I could well be on the last legs of this treatment plan. I say this with all fingers crossed and hope that chemo and rads will have done their job and I can genuinely move ahead with my life.
It’s a strange feeling right now, I am feeling physically stronger, my energy is pouring back it’s exciting !! I’ve upped my exercise and that in itself is pushing serotonin through my body. It’s bizarre how quickly it returns, one day I was struggling for breath and my heart racing whilst walking my dog, the next I was power walking and dragging my dog behind me and thought hang on ?!! In the same way it deteriorates over night, it also improves. Ok, so to get to my pre diagnosis fitness that will take a bit of time but I have high hopes it will happen and optimistically I’ve set myself some fitness challenges for this year including Moonwalk with a new friend who finished chemo in November. Yayyy. London are you ready for my decorated bra !! I’m also planning to turn Race for Life into a social walk with friends to honour the lovely Annabel RIP.Not every race has to be a fast one.
I’ve started to plan my return to work – phased of course, the 100mph Sassy isn’t rushing any more – and of course the immediate politics of work reappear. What is it with people ? I’ve been through diagnosis, surgery, chemo and soon to be rads and lastly hormones (never a good thing) I’ve woken up and realised there is a hell of a lot more to life and yet the people – NOT ALL !!- you work with , who clearly haven’t experienced life changing illness or lost a relative to a disease , want to f*** you over and go back to the competitive school bullying rubbish …it;s like hello ??? You may not value your life but I SURE as hell do. I have no idea how long I may have left and I’m not wasting it arguing at work !! I’ve given my friends the option to slap me if I get caught back up in it , they like this prospect funnily enough.
So all feels good and that sometimes feels scary. Why ? Well one bright sunny morning in April last year I felt the same, marching in the woods with my dog, ‘Everything is so good….if only I didn’t have this lump in my armpit’ Will we ever lose the fear of the future now ? A year ago I would never think this would happen let alone what if this comes back ? Now I think – if it does I hope I’ve got enough sick leave, I hope I can claim on insurance, and most importantly I hope I can beat the cr*p out of this !! It’s bizarre that I’ve not even finished this fight and I’m thinking of a potential rematch. I don’t want this to be a movie sequel or box set !!
Guess this is the legacy of cancer , you have the incredible highs of starting to feel better once the side effects of chemo lessen , you cope with the straggling side effects – hot flushes yuk , joint pains and tiredness that acts as a pace maker and reminds you you’ve been ill and had toxic chemicals pulsating though your body. I’ve got gamma rays to aid my superhero ambition 🙂 Maybe this is what people who haven’t been through this don’t understand. They think oh well your treatment is over you will ping back into your pre diagnosis life, like a yummy mummy jumping back into her size 8 jeans. Hmmmmmmmmmm
To be continued ….