Over the past weeks some of my closest new friends have struggled with their cancers, some have confirmed spreads,some have unconfirmed but suspicious pains and lumps and are in the horrible testing zone, and one is losing her battle and has 2 weeks to live. Cancer is such an evil bastard, it twists and turns and mutates, it’s sneaky and unpredictable and you can’t afford to ever gloat and celebrate beating it in my mind. For in my mind, it’s the great comeback king, you can be clear for 20 years and hey cancer decides it wants to drag you back in the ring. Some people are lucky and really live trouble free, what a lovely thought. Others have to just enjoy every day that they have and try not to fear it’s return and give the shortest time ever before the battle begins again.
I’ve met around 15 women on my journey so far, everyone with a different stage, prognosis and in a different place, our commonality the positive attitude we share and the determination to fight and beat it. Some of my new dear friends have secondaries and these are problematic buggers that have scattered around their bodies, the asbo cells enjoying reforming in vital organs and the skeletal system, hiding where they think they won’t be found. Is this my destiny too ? Potentially my sneaky cells burst out of the breast and hid under my arm pit, 6 months ago my other organs and bones were clear, let’s hope in 6 months time they remain so and the aggressive, yet curiously cancer forming chemo is killing all cancer cells in it’s path and not introducing other cells to one another in a match making disaster. Quite how they treat cancer with a cancer forming toxic drug is really bizarre.
So with all uncertainty we move forward, Moving forward is necessary and at the moment I feel like I’m bursting with this attitude that I’m going to beat you, it’s not my time for you to grip me in a rear naked choke ! I can remember in May feeling devastated, thinking who will have my kids, who will have Bella….and the tears fell. Then the anger rose and the f*** you I’m going nowhere fired me with determination and coping strategies for the coming treatment. For the last month or so I’m almost bursting to the brim (maybe it’s the steroids or nearing the end of chemo) with I am so going to live and make the best of this 2nd chance. I’m going to use this 2nd chance to help others too, I wasn’t given this challenge to just ignore it and go back to old ways or habits. I have no explanation for the surge in positiveness, and no apology. I always play to win and this in no exception. I feel full of gratitude for everything in my life and everyone.
They say you never know what it’s like to fight until fighting is the only option you have. People call you brave and a fighter when you wear the cancer label. Keep fighting !! Are we really fighting or just going with the flow. I figure that fighting cancer isn’t like my martial arts that I favour with it’s physical strikes and chokes. It’s more the strategic mind game of chess or actually battleships There is real difference between fighting for your life and fighting with the treatment and system. You need to find acceptance, this way of embracing cancer and not blaming yourself, or someone else or hating the world for your diagnosis. Cancer was after all formed by you, a mutated part of you, so you can’t hate yourself. I initially approached cancer with a smile, to outwit my opponent and then gave it eviction notice, you are not welcome to stay, you aren’t paying rent and doing anything beneficial, so sorry you got to go. My fight has not been against my treatment, or my body, I’ve accepted the surgery, the chemo and soon to be rads. I’ve accepted my physical changes and love the new me. I am still at war with the asbo cells that have corrupted my poor naive cells, they are the ones I want to evict and destroy. I don’t hate cancer, it has brought positives as well as devastation to everyone it touches. We we wake up and think WTF I need to get on with my life , please give me that chance. BUT – you don’t want Cancer to stay after it’s arrived, it’s given you a message to change, now leave. You don’t want it hanging around and corrupting other parts of your body, so that your immune army is destroyed and you are weakened by multiple areas involved in street fights whilst chemo rages it’s nuclear war throughout.
Cancer can brings families closer together, reinforces friendships and strengthens bonds. It’s brought me quality time with people I love and care for, showed me what is and isn’t important, to slow down, to appreciate things and immense gratitude for most things. It has also taught me how strong, determined and focused I am. Could I have realised this without it ? I will never know .
Now what’s all this about wangs curing things ? Wouldn’t that be great !!