All about this nonsense from day dot

The continual bearer of bad news ….

5 May 2012 by sassy71

So, this is me – overly enthusiastic and hyped. Sometimes a major irritant to people with my boundless energy and enthusiasm for life. I’m the uber optimist ! So understandably sharing bad news does not come naturally to me – and for the last two days I have left friends in tears and feeling bad when I chirp away that I’ve had bad news, I’m going to need you to be there for my kids but don’t worry I’m all Charlie Sheen about this – WINNING!!

Around late March  I first noticed a small hard lump in my breast, I said to myself don’t worry about it , give it a week and if not see a GP. I’ve no time to be ill !! A week later I noticed a larger hard swelling in my armpit and again so, well you’ve had a flu virus it’s probably just my glands it’ll pass.

I resisted my usual urges to Google search symptoms – that’s a first! And carried on with the manic life I choose to lead. A couple of weeks passed and my breast felt tender and I thought, actually I need to get this checked.Bold as brass I whipped my top off to the horror of the Gp – I jest ! My humour is a coping strategy 🙂 he referred me to Breast Clinic, even then I was like it could just be because I’ve had a virus right ? I should explain that I also have silicone implants so I guess partially I was thinking they may have ruptured and that worry of cost was present.How ridiculous that sounds now !

My first appointment at Breast Clinic was somewhat different to what I anticipated, I naively thought I’d have a mammogram, nooo I had the full works, very impressive. Consultation, mammogram, which showed silicone and nothing else ! Very hard by the way to move silicone in the same was as normal soft breast tissue, mine are like rubber bumpers lol All you lovely ladies with soft boobies are easier to scan 🙂

Ultrasound followed with a core biopsy to lymph node in left armpit measuring about 3.7 and fine needle analysis ? in my 2 smaller lumps in my left breast 1.5 and 2.2 …two !! Seriously !! I knew that they would come back for a further biopsy there if they couldn’t see enough from the FNA , they already informed me of that but warned me it may rupture my silicone – as if that is really going to matter if you are dealing with cancerous cells?? – but guess if it had been all clear and your breast deflated you would have been a lil p****ed with that intervention.

A day before my appointment for results, I was called by the specialist breast nurse to book me in for an urgent MRI, I was extremely suspicious and questioned my results, she repiled, they were inconclusive today but that might change by tomorrow – HA ! The great white lie – having supported my mother through Leukaemia I know how these little bends of the truth emerge. Where I had refrained from googling anything, suddenly I felt compelled to search why MRI is used in diagnostics and had my doubts confirmed , for severity of cancer but also if there are silicone implants for clarity.

My gut instincts told me the next day was going to have a conversation that went two ways, we have bad news or we need to test you further. I got both. My very lovely consultant said , we’ve looked at the results from your biopsy and it’s not good news. My instinct to be strong and require facts kicked in , but as they then added they wanted to do a bone scan tomorrow my tears fell. The panicked thought it could be even worse jumped up at me.I am a single mother of two amazing teenagers and suddenly I felt how will I tell them ??

Anything else really relevant from that meeting disappeared – they were amazingly supportive, I used my standard humour strategy to lighten the mood but dissolved into tears whilst having blood taken, don’t normally cry over a small prick -poor guy wasn’t his fault. I was blessed to have a best friend with me who was able to absorb information, as my brain was stuck on the , it’s not good.

So here I am 2 days later, yesterday I was full of radiation and dye so my bones and major organs were scanned. I’ve another biopsy in the breast tissue next week and an MRI, all my results then go to the multi disciplinary panel for treatment planning and they will discuss this with me on the 17th.The problem is the pesky cancerous cells in my lymphatic system, that tumour in my pit isn’t the primal tumour and it’s broken off and come from somewhere else. Ideally my breast so is a self contained area, rip it off and pump me with chemo I guess. Crude description I know. But the horrible knawing fear I am trying to ignore (hence blogging distraction) is that it’s in my bones.

I talked chemo with my nurse, I’m young (relatively) so guess that’s my treatment option before surgery and hell yeah, blast the heck out of anything else remotely cancerous in my body please. I’ve been there and seen that with my mum so think bring it on, seriously why would anyone refuse treatment that can extend or preserve life ?

Know what the weirdest thing right now – I feel well – that’s a good thing I know and am grateful, but I’m preparing for the unknown. My control freak nature is implementing contingency plans – who can walk the dog, who will wash up etc – stupid things, in preparation for the fatigue of chemo and surgery.I’m preparing for when I won’t be the 100 mile an hour person that everyone knows I am and whilst I can postively acknowledge that actually maybe it’s an enforced lifestyle change that will benefit me in the long run ..maybe learning to care for me a bit better without developing cancer would have been the preferred option.

My heart breaks when I think how I will share this news with my kids –

 Hello …I am me …remind me who u are again ?

7 May 2012 by sassy71

At risk of sounding ungrateful – but hey it’s my blog sorry –

Why is it people who haven’t contacted you in forever ago suddenly pop back and offer you lunch or something similiarly impractical when they hear on the grapevine your diagnosis ?? The said people don’t actually know how you are feeling cos they don’t really know you anymore!!

I shall refer fondly to this group of friends as ‘ checking in before you check out !’ LOL Ummmmm if it helps your concious to think you saw me – but last I heard I have a diagnosis that will require treatment not be measured up for a final resting place

Don’t make me angry !! Funnily enough I saw the Avengers this weekend and loved this statement and think it applies to all of us on this journey

‎’There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could…’ Avengers Assemble

So it’s back to work tomorrow – how bizarre lots of loose ends to tie up, back to diagnostic tests Wed& Thurs and the counting down to big results and treatment planning day the week after. Part of me is still saying Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out and say – you’ve been punked !! But unfortunately not – so here I am being me, and will keep being me even if it’s a slower version of me (with a little help from my friends )

Superhero powers & intolerance …

12 May 2012 by sassy71

One week post inconclusive diagnosis for primal tumour hidden in the realms of my body. Ok,so we kno the lymph node is secondary – who came first ?

How am I feeling ? Well the blinkin diagnostic tests have really screwed me thanks, I was trotting around my hectic life with these lil cancerific tumours inside me with no obvious problems and uber energy and 1 week on after every test (i hope) is completed I already feel like a new woman.A woman with a head to toe rash …

Let me break it down…..Bone scan this was an easy one, in and out for a short period like a human photocopier, injected with some form of radiaoctive substance – this one felt cold as it went up your arm , I imagined I was getting some superhero strength, radio active girl ! The images are amazing tho, so that was easy, next …

The same day some 45 minutes after – CT scan with contrast, please sit and drink a jug of water – Not a problem i’ve been fasting since last night it’s now 2pm. You then lay on another table and are inserted into a another human photocopier erm scanner actually. They take one set of images and then the 2nd set after inserting the contrast dye in your arm. It warms your body, and you immediately feel a warmth like you have peed yourself – ha ! Luckily the lovely radiologist told me in advance or I would have been shocked by the sensation. This one left me itchy, I didn’t relate this to the dye until after the MRI as they didn’t advise me of side effects – hmmm not such a good thing on their part.

A repreive from tests over the weekend – but the horrific task of upsetting my loved ones as I gently broke the news, People reactions are so different – Little My is absolutely right – I had the omg and panickers, the controllers, the let’s do this and the magicians – poof lol

Fast forward to Wed and my personal avengers assembled, my daughter told (not my son- hmmmm ) and huge amounts of let’s kick cancer’s ass and anyone that says sorry !!!!

Biopsy again, radiologist confuses me -my understanding and possible hope is that my lil tumours in my breast nestled against my sili- cone (this is renamed oviously) could be the naughty primal tumours but oh no the grim reaper in disguise adds to the conspiracy that it could be somewhere else and lets not rupture your implants in the process – seriously ? I was like ….come again? My consultant wants enough tissue to see if this is a winning pair and she was like well it may not be that so let’s not be too hasty…hmmm thanks for fuelling the nagging doubts woman.

This core biopsy hurt and I have a high pain threshold, after the first one I went to Muay Thai and kicked ass – this time I wen to bed to rest up – if I was a (ninja) in a video game it would have said battery life remaing 50% – so 40 winks and food and back up with energy later that evening 🙂 Poor left breast saying wtf !! The last thing she said I really hope you have enough tissue sample – err so do I forget doing that again and if you do just go deep and rupture my silicone woman. Of course I never said any of this I smiled and was pleasant and grateful.

Thursday – well what can I say, I went to the department a blaze with energy and omg dragged myself home with sheer determination. Right first complaint, if they knew there were side effects possible to contrast dye – or die I will rename this -then tell paitents in advance and advise you get a life maybe ?? I walked in with my cancer swag on, I’ve got cancer and what I’m positve bruv …. After 30minutes of molecular defragmentation and injection of contrast I couldn’t get up – seriously!

Seriously WTF !! The tunnel itself, is a little restrictive if you don’t like confined spaces, you lie face down tits (sorry) in two careful cut out holes, silicone doesn’t hang lol …and head down like on a massage table – oh I wish. I was nervous but thought I can do this.The noise is like bad techno bleep, bleep , bleep …you can feel a pull of your body in places that’s strange and even though I had Amy Winehouse in my headphones I couldn’t hear her and my body tried to go with the bleeps (I was thinking I need lasers here) Positive calming reassurement I offered myself as ass up tits down in this room you are alone with no reassurance. Half way thru the dye is injected cold fills your body, snaking up your arms …

Ok….They pulled me out and initially I felt so disorientated it was like a high without the Heyyyyyy

My blood pressure was low, dizziness, disorientated, my everypart of my body hurt – I couldn’t physically move for about 10 minutes …and then forced myself up and to get dressed. The radiologist Libby was lovely and worried. They still at this point didn’t tell me about side effects even when I was saying , is this normal ? She said don’t leave straight away, but being the control freak I am I was like I NEED to get home to bed and safety. I floated to my car – I admit I was scared now. Luckily I am 10 mins in a car and managed to get home without playing real life Grand Theft Auto

I googled contrast dye side effects – as by then I had shortness of breath, aching all over , my lightheaded light beer head was filled with thoughts omg i must be full of cancer if I am feeling like this. To my relief my side effects matched how I felt but even worse was the description of allergic reaction and all people who blogged hadn’t been advised before the treatment of the side effects !!

I was a contender for total wipeout went to bed, it scared me too….My friend picked up on my fear and came over, I had dragged myself to the settee and forced water into my system, flush it out !!!!! My son was worried, he said ‘you really aren’t well are you mum ?’ couldn’t raise my normal defence mechanism shield here – guess it’s a gentle introduction to how chemo will be for him

Sooooo several hours passed and battery restored to 60% and even the next morning I struggled to jump up – be warned people ! I got into work on low battery and felt energy rise throughout the day but by 5pm 24 hours later I was itching so much and had bone and muscle pain in my hands I called Macmillan nurse who was wonderfully reasuring. It’s a side effect, did they not warn you ….hmmmmm

Here I am itchy girl, I’ve noticed that heat makes it flare up, stubble, dog hair – uber sensitive skin now , red white and grey not blue at the moment lol .,..maybe was a lil green that was my inner Hulk showing

So, I am convinced that diagnostic tests albeit helpful need to come with a warning !!

6 days till the big reveal, they meet at MDT Monday, I am scared they will call me in earlier – stupid huh ? Altho I am a superhero clearly I have this nagging morbid doubt it’s gonna be this is worse than I imagine…altho hey I can get all martyish on think the worse

Anyway enough rabbles, personally telling my loved ones has been shit, I can’t imagine disclosing diagnosis to people everyday how awful – especially knowing some of us will kick, fight and bite like me and others will sob and give in. No retreat, no surrender, no back down – I’m trained to kill.  Dieeeeeee Cancer !!!!

  You’ve gotta laugh haven’t you ??

14 May 2012 by sassy71

I think so, where would I be without my humour ? Even though it’s warped.

When my mum was dying my sister and I developed Celebrity Death Swap – it was based on my mum chirping to us that she had seen a cloaked figure at the bottom of her hospital bed and told him to sod off , this may well have been the steroids !! Anyway she was given 4 days and had another 7 months, swapping her impending death with celebrities along the way – that sounds bizarre I know…but it was like whenever she was rushed back to near death, she fought it and a famous person died.

So when I had a 5mins of panicking to my sister the other day about the ‘lost’ primary tumour I noticed Vidal Sasson had died – she’s like we’re not ready to play Celebrity Death Swap yet !!

I love to laugh, live to laugh …Kyle Minogue reported that laughter with her sister got her through her treatment and bad days …My sister, mum and I used to laugh as much as posible on her journey with ALL. Sure we had tears, and anger – I do anger too but laughter prolonged my mum’s fight and sheer determination. Dear Cancer – I have the same genes as my mum – clearly as you’ve grown in me , but hello ??? I’m even more determined than her, so you can feck off I’ve got a lot of living and laughing to do

: )

Are you in De Nial ???

27 May 2012 by sassy71

Anyone fancy a trip to Eygpt ? Wait no you mean denial don’t you ? Sorry bad jokes….

For the past 3 weeks I have been told by lots of well meaning people that I am taking my diagnosis a little too well …Hmmm just what am I supposed to do ? Crying is something i find personally hard, it’s a very private thing for me, and I’m not a person that wants a lot of fuss and attention.

I am I know by and large I am an extrordinary person who leans heavily into uber optismism, so being diagnosed with breast cancer you have two (probably more options) firstly you can sit in a dressing gown and cry …(never my option but is ok if this is you ) or you can carry on being you . There you go. I am hungry for life, extremely driven and motivated and the human equivalent of a bouncy ball

I find it difficult at times that people struggle with my ability to cope and my reaction and clearly feel the need to justify myself. I feel disappointed that people would think I’m actually not coping and putting on a front to cover me real emotions ? That’s like faking an orgasm ….not worth your while as you don’t exactly benefit from it lol ..

Sure nobody in their right mind would say,’ I fancy a career break , that will involve surgery and chemotherapy and challenge every part of my beliefs vs societies beliefs – oh and strip out real friends from hangers on ‘ But when you are presented with this diagnosis , my optismistic nature screamed – you’ve been given an opportunity to change !! You’ve been given a point to reflect on everything in your life and challenge what isn’t making you happy or doesn’t fit anymore.

I am absolutely blessed to have this discovered at a relatively early stage (i’m stage 2) and I’m extremely blessed to live in a developed country where treatment is available and free.

Sure I have to face days where I’m not so strong, whilst now I can stand here with both breasts and say up yours I’ll still be attractive with 1. Of course i know there will be days where that isn’t the case and I will feel vulnerable, fragile and different. But excuse me …f*ck what society thinks is beautiful in this world where everyone is so concerned about external beauty – my inner beauty is gonna burst through.

I am not my hair too – what does it matter – having no hair society imagines you are ‘fighting cancer – thereby brave’ or ‘ a victim / sufferer of a disease – thereby vulnerable’ All this negative language and labels and other people’s perceptions are more damaging than the disease itself.

So whilst not so close friends either struggle or marvel at my positive outlook, I’m carrying on being me….Cancer is not a death sentence, it’s a challenge – I love a challenge. One thing for certain, lots of me will change throughout this journey and people in my life will come and go …don’t they always ??

So for all the people whispering that I am being to strong, in denial and am gonna fall with a bang – becareful what you wish for …if I DO FALL , aren’t you suppose to catch me ?? Oh, really you’re not really gonna be there are you, actions speak louder than words , leave me to be happy whilst I am and don’t judge me unless you have walked in my shoes …Don’t hate the hater, hate the game

Why anger is the most destructive emotion going….

3 Jun 2012 by sassy71

I’ve turned very green this weekend , not sick but angry like the Hulk. I’m not very nice when I’m angry and I really can’t seem to shake off these outburss the past few days.

Is like chicken and egg scenario – cancer or anger, which came first ?? It seems my dsyfunctional relationship with cancer has kicked into largely anger this weekend and shifted my sunny disposition – like the return of the rain.

Why ? Why not ? It’s affecting all my interpersonal relatonships but inparticular the ones closest to me, my kids, the guy I was dating and some friends. I can have a good day but every morning nature wakes me with this pleasant reminder this is happening, this is real and even though I sleep peaceful in my dreams happy, i wake and my brain floods with reminders of what I have ahead of me and probably my own fear, but a lot of resentment/ frustration.

I’m just pissed with the way BC has pushed it’s way into my life uninvited and pushed it’s way to the front literally to jostle my life out of the way to stamp it’s presence, steal my body parts and challenge all my beliefs and esteem.Ok, this is temporary and all things will pass and I will beat this beast to submission and it goes off crying for its mum, then I’ll kick it’s mum’s ass too…and any other family member trust me.

Why am I moaning ??? I’m alive this is curable/ treatable – why the heck am I moaning about vanity and injustice !! I’m not a why me person as i know cancer is a worldwide problem in developed countries where we run ourselves ragged are polluted by external factors, and this triggers off our own internal growing nagging tumours. I accept that my own body helped form this mass.

But seriously ??? Grrrrrr can’t I just be me – the one I was before I was diagnosed, the one with both breasts and long lovely hair. Sure I’ll sacrifice all of my superficial and external beauty and sure i’ll grow back and sure I can have reconstruction and this is blag I tell everyone else with a brave and cheery smile…don’t worry about me ! But today I think F888 that !!

Just for today I want to storm into the house of cancer, kidnap it’s leader and brutally torture it for everyone that has suffered and fallen, for everyone fighting now, for everyone that has survived with some of their body parts stolen and for anyone in the future it might steal away. Grrrrr – anyone with me ?? Let’s have an anarchy

Normal calm service will return tomorrow – even an uber optismist can have an off day

My time is running out …(the left breast sings) all cosmetic and vain mish mash rant

9 Jun 2012 by sassy71

I woke yesterday to the sound of ticking I was like wtf …and then i realised it wasn’t my left boob with a timer it was a hole in my roof that was causing the repetitive dripping – not ticking. But oh sh** that’s expensive to tackle let’s worry about that not for now.

Poor lefty, I’m fondly tucking my right hand under my armpit – not as I type obviously, giving leftie some love. I’m feeling a little more apprehensive now about my looming mascectomy. It’s been fuelled by ‘well meaning’ people telling me that their friends had immediate reconstruction and of course that’s not part of my treatment plan. Like one of my lovely partners in crime on here said rocking the cyclops look is going to be the look for a considerable time.

I did something mean yesterday – a well meaning person who instigated this rant and the action , really annoyed me and so i posted her an article about reconstruction with images. Have people even seen one ? I can honestly say with my hand on my heart I hadn’t before this – but I would never had be so dismissive and queried someone’s treatment plan either if I had never been affected personally – just why do people think that’s useful ??

I’m not knocking people being supportive – but are you a breast cancer specialist, oncologist, plastic surgeon ???? ohh noo you have a masters in talking sh*t from Google – so thereby you know everything about grades, stages, treatment etc and just why do you think that will help me ?? Hell I don’t even want to catergorise myself into a stage, grade and number – and actually i have already effed up that in my earlier post – I have absolutely no idea what stage i’m at (apart from anger) but they have said the grade is 2 – ha ha has agressive tendencies like me huh ? It’s invasive ductual – i did manage to go back and ask that. Does it matter ? It’s an invasive gang of healthy cell eating ASBO mofos that are soon to be removed from the rest of my body. Then the vigalantes of chemo town are going all search and destroy on the rest of my body. Ha actually my sister and I think we may have a new video game for all of us – think a cross between Call of Duty, Zombie shoot em up, nuke em up games – where we can all go on the rampage killing the body part snatchers and good cell suckers…I think there are few of us on here that would enjoy that 🙂

Oh dear I’m sounding so off hinged and violent again, I’m really not….honest.

I was full of jokes the other day, spoilt and loved in the arms of two of my besties, who said they’ll love me regardless, i woke feeling truly happy and secure.We decided that a grapefruit on my left could work …this might have an edgier look post op : ) Fruit replacements – there are so many colour options and seasons omg !! Happy days with crazy fruit loving friends 🙂

The harder person at times to convince is me – shhhh don’t tell anyone – for i am a spin doctor that has everyone around me pacified by the treatment and outcomes…just need me to fully accept that righty is gonna be riding solo for a while and this is gonna be fine – it’s not the end of the world, nor limiting me unless i allow it..uber positive girl to the rescue.

Bloods on Monday …it’s happening ….tick, tick, tick 2 weeks to the destruction of the supermassive black holes in my left …is it wrong to ask the surgeon for my implant back so can reuse it ?? OMG somebody call pysch team whilst i still sat still

Confessions of a newly sculptured Amazonian woman

3 Jul 2012 by sassy71

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m back a week post mascetomy & anx clearance and I feel good.

Reading through my last blog is so interesting (well to me) as my emotions must have surged up and down during those last double boobied weeks. i started to feel scared immediately before the operation, my fears ? That people would see me differently, that I wouldn’t be attractive, be flawed and damaged and put on the reduced priced shelf. Even though logically I knew the people that love and care about me wouldn’t careless and people that don’t , does it matter ?? But I think it was my internal worry.

The operation itself was a doddle, the attractive ass showing gown, surgical tights, slippers and bakers cap were more traumatising – lol …joking !! I was first up , chattily asking my surgeon if I can have a doggy bag for my implant they removed for my delayed reconstruction…at 8.15am she was not ready for this humour. My friends were the best, they dutifully put up with my corny jokes whilst I trembled in my stockings and prised my phone out of my hand for me to walk to theatre . I had a huge arrow on my left side lol…cut and detach here 🙂

So I came round from my legal high and first thing I did was check my new body out, I wanted to bond with my new body the way you do when you are given a new baby I guess. I was pleasantly surprised, it’s really not that bad. Within hours and fuelled by morphine and over excitedness I was telling my consultant I was a lady/ boy and swapping sides to demonstrate – at this point they called security ..ha ha ha no they didn’t but they at times find my chirpiness unorthordox I guess.

Let me explain, humour is my saviour and strength – how else can you react ? Hours after surgery being taken to a general surgery ward, was greeted by other paitents, who were enquired what I was in for …oh i’ve just had a breast off, really ….sh*t why didn’t they take the other one too ?? LOL …Instant comeback from the witty titty one …because what would I have to play with if they took both ?? Comebacks are required if you are survive the general publics lack of sensitivity.

That night on the ward was ok, after I challenged the I’m soooo bored nurse that refused to help me get up after 6 hours of not moving, with 2 drains and drip …I only wanted her to ensure I didn’t fall when I walked to the toilet for the first time, little Miss Attitude didn’t know what happened when I quickly put her back in her place. seriously tho, I am strong (now) and assertive and have ability to fight for my rights, my concerns are for people less able, frail, with dementia or disabilities that mean lazy and selfish nurses like these ignore them and leave them in pain or discomfort – don’t get me started grrrrrr

The next day my body was weak, so I quickly relaxed into the institutional prospects of the ward …tae at this time, meds at this time – its soooo easy. My room mates became buddies and we laughed and joked our way to health, seriously tho at night it’s your room mates that help you ..day staff are angels ..night staff demons.

My friend visited and livened up the whole ward playing Pied Piper of North London, as a Dreamboy walked in half naked to bring me some chocolates and the whole ward of nurses suddenly gave me a new respect ha ha ha ..ladies hire a buff guy and nurses will treat you better. I was laughing afterwards like …I may have one tit but I still got it girls …When I was discharged the next day they swamped my bed to thank me for his visit – omg !! I’m not even joking. When my other (equally attractive but clothed) friend came to collect me their eyes widened further again – just what has this one breasted woman got was readable on their faces lol …

I am really grateful for my friends and family for their love and support I must keep adding and for the fact they just let me be me 🙂 24 hours after discharge I’m drinking jagermeister shots with my besties, playing card games with us all dressed as transgender circus freaks – how could I not love these people and be as happy as I feel right now ??

So of course it’s early days, but i am happy, why wouldn’t i be ? I am treasured, loved and supported. I love and appreciate myself and my life – there are far worse things than having breast cancer, watching the programme of 7/7 last night i felt the very real sense of pain by all of those involved as survivors or families bereft or the wonderful emergency services that were real heroes.

So when medical professionals say to me , we are impressed with your bravery and enthusiasm but it’s early days, i smile sweetly and laugh …it’s all about how you see it and react. I know I will have bad days, but do you need to remind me of this ? Plant the seed of worry that does nothing but cause anxiety in advance that you don’t need ?? A message to the nurse who on discharge said (back handed compliment here) You look amazing and you are doing well, but this is day 2 – day 3 is an entirely different thing,,,,,LOL !!! Nurse Day 3 was BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM all thanks to my brilliant and crazy friends …

Let me have my bad days in private or lost in rants on here but don’t wish them on me 🙂

All hail the uber optimistic and crazy Lady Boy – Life is for living – I am !!

 OOmpah Loompah do be de dooooo….on becoming Verunica Salt

5 Jul 2012 by sassy71

I’m growing a new breast !! It’s amazing the surgeon taketh and my body groweth a new one immediately well 7 days later – it’s a miracle !! Or rather it’s a case of seranoma ? I think that’s the correct terminology post surgery swelling due to the removal of my lymph nodes. I feel like a sausage stuffed with fluid, imagine myself going bang and the Thames Barrier being activated and london having a near miss catastrophe ….people sailing along in boats on waves of my lymphocytes lol

My BC nurses weren’t worried, they joked along with me and my distasteful humour when I swanned into clinic today, 9 days on feeling good. They have chosen not to drain my new saggy boob and let it disperse naturally in my body – just where will it all go !!! So provided it’s harmless let’s leave it be..I think I’ve had enough prods and pokes for a few weeks and ultimately my aims now are recovery and preparing for the next phase.

So if I turn purple and roll up for my next appointment or hop into clinic on my new space hopper boob next week I won;t be too surprised

Sassy has a day off

11 Jul 2012 by sassy71

What bliss – not answering calls, messages, emails, fb notifications and just wonderfully indulging in quality time…Altho it actually freaked one of my besties out who eventually tracked me down on my daughter’s phone lol

Much needed after trotting back and forward to hospital for 3 days on the bounce for treatment for a dvt that disappeared by day 3 …winning !! The thought of that treatment alongside other treatments wasn’t something I really wanted – like I want any of it lol 

So day 15 post op and I’m feeling good. Need to get my seroma (will I ever spell this correctly) looked at tomorrow. I don’t think they will drain it …It’s not really bothering me, I’ve got used to the swelling under my arm, probably miss my boob once it’s gone. 

So onwards and upwards, back to normal, aiming to drive within the next 2 weeks and get back training 🙂 No news about results , so no point worrying there. Life is for living – I am !!! 

Wigs, wonderful wigs & the making of a call girl

14 Jul 2012 by sassy71

So I spontaneously purchased way too many wigs yesterday !! What fun it was too, trying on all different colours, styles and lengths. I was struck by how exciting it was to change your personality and appearance with a syrup and thought why didn’t i do this before …Hullo I am Ivanka , super spy ..

 The shop owners were fantastic, as you would be when a customer happily purchases 5 wigs and accessories, but let me point out this was just a local hair shop and not something labelled and priced at a higher level for cancer paitents. I really don’t understand how something can be double the price because you have an NHS voucher ?? Anyway before I get in trouble for slating how people profit from people with cancer ..ahem ….when the shop owners cheerily asked my I was buying my super fine wigs, I cheerily replied too, oh it’s as I have breast cancer and I’m awaiting to start chemo so will lose my hair. Cue look of horror on guys face, it’s ok I said it’s no drama..why do I always feel compelled to soften the blow for others ? 

I’m not trying to convince anyone I haven’t got cancer and I haven’t changed…I have and I will continue to change, so I can’t see the benefit of trying to find a wig that looks like me now to fool people. If i find one then great, but I also see it as a way to experiment and take risks I never would with my own hair. My 5 wigs are all very different and edgy – wheeeee

I love my hair, but losing it is part of the course to recovery so thereby you accept that. Does my hair define me ? I don’t think so, but it’s very much me…i play with it when i flirt, I toss it when I’m happy lol …i pull it up in a hairband most of the time – why aren’t their bad hair day wigs lol …they would look more natural. my friend said that too lol 

I can tell already that my wigs will be hot and pretty sure they will be whipped off in public to itch and readjust : )  But the texture is lovely and i figure if I’m missing flirting with my hair than they will substitute adequately and I can twirl them round my fingers – only not too hard eh ? Places a wig will be a no go …in the gym, sweaty wig on treadmill is really not a good look …or in bedroom lol …sorry to be graphic but hey that’s not going to be practical ha ha unless he wants to wear it ;-p

Styling them is going to be important too, as you obviously can’t just pop and go ..so a trip to my hairdressers for them is coming lol …high maintenance buggers – maybe a hat is cheaper and quicker or body paint ? Draw a different design daily ?? 

Hair is so important to us really, no getting away from it, it shields us from the world, or makes a statement, is our pride and glory , or we blame it for bad days. I am not going to kid myself I do love my hair, like I loved my breast, but I’ve adjusted well to my new lady boy style so will with this too. My chemo looks set to be autumn to winter so hats and scarves will rock my wardrobe – if I’m able I don’t see any harm in trying the cold cap as other women in the group seem to be doing well with it.

So here I am with the most amazing wigs beaming at me from their girls world heads – all prepared and my beautiful real hair still there needs a good pamper until I bid it goodbye…maybe I should sell it to make my own wig – omg that’s weirder than weird – lol 

Crawliiiinggggg in my skinnnnnn or beneath it actually

18 Jul 2012 by sassy71

Today as been a mixed bag that’s for sure …

When I rocked up at my hospital in my straight out of the 80’s LMFAO look..shuffling of course, there was a paitent sat in the lift area in a dressing gown exposing his ahem* weener. I just burst into giggles  way too much to see before a serious appointment lol…not callous at all, he looked very happy with it all out for public appreciation.

Up in the waiting area, I bounced in double breasted – spot the real one people ?? lol and sat trying to read 50 Shades of Grey my lovely friends bought me…but spotted a newbie nervous beside me so cheerily chatted and reassured her I hope. When I was leaving she was donned in the front opening gown and i said – I hope I never see you again (meant in  a positive way – who wants another person to be recruited to the BC Army)  

My breast nurse, gave me then, are you alone brief  ?? You should have brought someone, your nice friend ….LOL …Nurse I said, you should know me by now…I want to be here alone, so that I can digest the bad news you are clearly going to give me and then water it down for my loved ones. Ok Sassy she says that’s fair enough.

So my Surgeon aka Head Booby Hunter – scrutinised my clothed body – I’m like Doc  I know, my fakery is amazing, you are thinking I’m sure I took one off …he shakes his head and smiles. Take your clothes of Sassy, I immediately strip as requested and notice how I brazen I’ve become. Zorro my scar is healing nicely and Doc is happy, seroma is shrinking and lady boy restoring …back to my fake boobery and looking normal in clothes 🙂 

He looks uncomfortable and my cheery disposition does seem to unnerve him today – he’s a good man – maybe he thinks actually this is a load of effin crap for this woman to have too. He told me he was shocked by my first diagnosis – the huge rogue lymph traveller.

Here’s the weird bit….the invasive aggressive cancer cells have buried themselves deeper than they first imagined ..so even after my breast tissue being removed it’s spread into my muscle so that needs to go too…options cut and detach here ..or deep fried breast with radio alongside chemo

As I am considered young (I like that ), they want the best option to reduce these asbo cells party rocking any deeper into my body – I quite agree !! Eviction time mofos …altho the thought of Zorro being reopened and my hard worked muscles from years of martial art press ups being removed sounds blinkin painful .Hmmm so they will get back to me within 10-14days after they have researched and discussed further …I’m a research piece !!  

Go exercise Sassy – go live your life & have fun – Oh hell yeah Doc I will. See you in 2 weeks. 

Ok, here’s the next bit…Nurse still is convinced I’m residing in De -Nial  -it’s been a long holiday if I have must be 10 weeks now easily ?? How many times do you have to say to someone – This is just me – public outbursts of crying I don’t do sorry, much prefer to sneak off on my own and do that. Once again I remeind her of my mum’s tale and why I am as strong as I am ..if my mum can, I can. Think she listens to this as relates her own family history to mine. I’m just quirky nurse I say 🙂

She reads through all the literature, packs me off with carry home to reads but gives me a huge hug and says I am truly brave and that I’m very well thought of by the team. Shucks me …poster girl for bravery in BC at my clinic that’s an honour 🙂 More like wanted poster for mischief and mania lol 

Now what….Tea …and cake ….oh and telling all the caring friends, but importantly telling my sis first. I contrived a careful and funny to the point group text to my circle of friends…and said text sure or fb message but no calls please. I just couldn’t face the oh i’m sorry or what will you so etc..Even the I’m sooooo sorry texts annoyed me as my alter ego Ms Angry bursts to the surface again, not because I think why me…but more like I think …seriously ?? I always have to be complicated lol 

The cafe was empty, I sat for a while still and let the tears sting my eyes and attempt to role down my face and felt numb …like my detached breast. I didn’t think to ask of the implications of losing muscle tissue and actually does that out rule ever having a reconstruction or will that make that process even more difficult – geez that is the last thing on my mind but when raised by a friend I was jogged to think ohh good point.

I snapped out of my near miss cry in public moment and was concious i needed to speak to my kids…and floated to my car,yes,I’m driving again wheee. Opening my car door and sitting down, the tears were allowed to flow, it’s my safe zone and i clicked on the radio ….What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger shouted out at me and I laughed , let the tears flow until they naturally ceased and the anger rose to the surface to protect me from nice comments !!  

So here I am …Sassy the Superwoman – ready to fight harder, longer and deeper…I’m not a warrior queen for nothing, these mofos don’t even know who they are messing with 🙂 Hasta la vista b*******

Sunshine, one boob & a curly tailed dog

24 Jul 2012 by sassy71

Geez I woke up on the wrong side of bed today – how does this explain being a grumpy, anti social git ??

It’s a beautiful day and I’m loving the warmth on my skin, my slower paced life and the fact I can lay in the sun….for I have a feeling I will have that taken away soon too.

Today I feel pretty annoyed about the absence of lefty and that poor righty is styling it out on her own. I notice all the women’s curves and symmetry and whilst I have a pretty damn good imposter hiding in my new sporty like bras – It’s not the same . Throws toys on floor and sulks !! I want my booby back, so I can run around town in vests, boob tops , low necklines, bikinis and sexy underwear !! Sure I am making the best of it and trying to wear all normal clothes with some creative placement and layering but I want to be like the girls on the beach yesterday carefree whipping their tops off – without scaring people in nearing vicinity.

Told you I was a grump !! Ok, so of course I’m grateful for my life, my health (as only having breast cancer isn’t as unfortunate as some) and family and friends. Altho I am sure I’m pushing the limits on some friendships – some are testing my limits and paitence anyway !!

And there is more ….I have been unconventionally rehabing my arm & shoulder and forcing cooperation , geez I took range of motion for granted didn’t i ? Hands up who wants their freedom of movement back too – oh wait you can’t quite do that can you ?? It is improving, sure it is …it’s a month Sassy stop beating yourself up !! Oh but wait – what was that …they may want to open you open and remove more muscle ?? Oh yeah I thought I heard that too – perhaps I sent that statement straight to my De Nial – Do Not Think About It pile. 

Wonder what happens if they remove muscle? Will I look even more concave on one side ? Will it make a difference to my posture ? My strength ? My ability to work as a therapist ? My ability to have this delayed reconstruction ?

Why is cancer such a ******** ******* that really cares not who you are or what you have/ had in your life. Hello I’m cancer let me turn everything you know upside down, regardless of how positive you think you are -I’m gonna test you to the limits …grrrrrrr…uh oh the green is rising and clothes creaking like they may rip. Actually that may happen as sitting on my enlarging arse and eating more for the past 3 months is testing my waistband on clothes too. Man I need to get my lardy lazy ass back to the gym – who stole my motivation too ??? Was it attached to lefty ?? Hey at least it wasn’t my personality -oops lets say no more on that subject….

It’s a week since my doc said I’ll call you …I’ve a week left. So let’s write off this grump and not waste anymore time thinking about it …but that’s not true is it ? I can feel that build up lurking deep within, regardless of any smile I wear for myself or others, I can feel my apprehension and fear growing. What will he say ? I know he will make the right decision and that I am in safe hands…but that’s it , it’s none of it in my control…they will call me, they will book me in , they will do what’s necessary to exile cancer from my body …I will co-operate ….I am scared. Of course I am and screw you anyone else that hasn’t been here and tells me that my fear is pointless. For those that have waited for results or treatments, you get me right ? I know what the last op felt like and sure i recovered well – doesn’t mean I want that repeated within a month of the last one !! I’ve just got my freedom back.

Forward planning – geez was it only 6 months ago I could be that assumptious to book things in advance – will I get that back by next year please…?? I am spontaneous I agree and that’s great but wouldn’t it be nice to not be on edge of a call up from a surgeon and an oncologist …hello Sassy are you free – let’s hook up – tomorrow !! Man that’s not the spontaneity I want.

Ok so, I started this blog, with sunshine – check, one boob – check….curly tailed dog ah ha ….my partner in crime. My dog is my secret confidant – when I ignore the calls, the texts and messages she walks steadily beside me and says nothing when I cry …she lays beside me in the sun saying nothing but showing her love ….ok, so the lil devil cried for 2 hours until I got up this morning but hey no one is perfect. 

 New fangled treatments & their cookie sales people

27 Jul 2012 by sassy71

Something is bugging me and dragging my cheery disposition down tonight. 

I’ve been inboxed and trolled by well meaning born again treatment freaks , now for me I don’t care if you choose to opt out of conventional treatments, like Bobby Brown sang it’s my prerogative or rather yours, so then don;t judge or criticise me on my choice..

Aforementioned person called people that accepted chemo or radiotherapy stupid and must be out of your mind to receive these cancer increasing treatments !! Really ??? Guess I was just being polite when I didn’t comment on your half baked idea to cure yourself and opt out of any treatment without actually saying this. 

They said – why would people poison themselves ? I said maybe for the same reason people refuse treatment…FEAR …Fear will make people think if they don’t do anything they might die, and others think if they have the treatments they won’t work or make them worse and die I guess. I have nothing against alternative therapies and embrace holistic way of life but not as a main treatment plan, wishing, hoping, rubbing a cream in isn’t gonna change anything and stop those asbo cells from dividing and making a new team running riot in your body.

Why is it people don’t listen when you are polite ? I actually don’t like being rude or offensive believe it or not – maybe I should have been and they would have stop filling my head with doubts and their brainwashing trash.

Except the real problem isn’t the hawkers and inbox stalkers …it’s the growing, nagging apprehension to how severe my treatment is going to be. It’s not all these ‘earlier stage needing less interventions and oh I’m so luckies ‘  that think they are helping by saying at least i didn’t lose my breast, or my lymph nodes weren’t affected or at least I didn’t have to have chemo. Yet still say oh woe is meeeeeee ! And it’s not my own indifference with anyone else’s problems at the moment (which is out of character) that’s the real problem that’s a symptom.

The truth is I’m soooooo p***ed with Cancer tonight coming and gatecrashing my life !! I need to snap out of this and stop being a grouchy git tonight !!  Why am I so awkward and complex always, Fook u cancer for creeping deeper into my body and making yourself to comfortable 

Ok, that’s my secret vent, close the door, happy face back on and shhhhhh no one needs to know my fears or my anxieties. It’s my private moan, for no one else to see…..and maybe when that letter lands inviting me back to discuss it or the phone rings I’ll feel a bit more incontrol again of my life and fears. Face your fears and do it anyway ….Kabunggaaaaaaaaaaa

Let’s get lost in Olympic LA LA Land 🙂  

 Good morning my lovely protectors in Macland, thank you for taking the time to answer the bat call and come to my rescue 🙂 What would I do without you Odin & LM you are my online family !! Thank you ground -nice name for the blog 🙂  

I woke by the sound of the mail dropping through the door and raced downstairs before the dog could eat the phantom NHS letter …of course it wasn’t there !!

Waiting is such sweet sorrow – why ? Because it’s turning me into this nutcase, I’ll be stalking the postman soon. I jump when the post lands and when the phone rings. He said (The Head Booby Hunter ) ‘I’ll call u babe’ …ok, not the babe bit ….but it feels like that – waiting for someone to call you and arrange to see you and I’ve always been the person that isn’t sat by the phone waiting !! He said I need 2 weeks to research further, that clock strikes 14 days on Tuesday …I bet they phone me Monday pm after MDT.

There is an obvious twist, I am in no rush really for the outcome of his research and for agreeing to the next phase of treatment and I know this. The MX and AX clearance sure I accepted that as was expected and successful treatment for my condition, the following chemo, rads, hormones yup …all expected and can accept them too.

The heavy weight that is driving me into this serial secret  blogger is the apprehension of what is to come , I confess to looking up research on Google last night !! I know , I know …but I do need some understanding of what life without pectoral muscles would mean to me. OMG what is wrong with me !!

I’m sure once I’m sat back in the room with Head Booby Hunter it won’t seem so bad, but it is bad isn’t it ? My whole mehhhh it’s just a case of Breast Cancer so take off my breast, nuke and fry me isn’t as simple as that is it ?? It had to be complex, no wonder they always look at me like I’m either not listening or mad when they disclose the information – does not compute.

I’m thinking if they decide against re operating, will they MRI to assess the extent of muscle invasion is that possible ? Then will rads & chemo combi shrink this and stop it in it’s tracks before it buries deeper ? Or is it a superficially spreading mofo that could travel to my adjacent side ? Do they even have this answer ? 

I am so fearful of having radical surgery – honestly no uber optimism here I defy any other bugger not to be fearful too. Of course the positive is halting the cancer in it’s track , but how much rehab and post op care will I need if you remove those muscles..sport has always been my life and I’m a therapist I need to be strong ..So here I sit to worry, while in the real world I smile and don’t let those around me (except one or two) know how fearful this situation is. Distraction is the best option, shutting out the time to worry, but you can’t fill 24 hours a day – altho I’m trying !! 

Ok, enough…I’m annoying myself. Shakes self down and prepares for the real world and a real smile, the sun is attempting to shine, Beach Volleyball is on tv – wish I looked like them lol ….off to create some natural endorphins 🙂 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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